Anywho, I've been cruising the internet, getting more and more cranky with everything. I mainly cruise pinterest all day, I obsess over nail polish. I pour over blogs and youtube videos showing me how to do fancy ass manicures. They all have perfect cuticles, the polish isn't all over the fucking place, there aren't little scrapes and scratches in the polish because they couldn't wait five minutes longer to get into the bag of M & Ms...They all are doing 3 manicures a day with $9 polish! Who the hell buys that crap??? I mean, I understand wanting to have a great product and I go and drool at it but I don't BUY it. I can feed my whole family for $9. I can buy enough toilet paper to last my entire family two weeks for $9. I can buy 9 bottles of Wet n' Wild for $9!!! Holy shit, have you figured out that I'm a tightwad? Really I'm not, I just can't justify spending that much. I buy China Glaze and sometimes Finger Paints, but only when I have a coupons and I really get excited when they have those buy two polishes and you get a wallet or a change purse or something. It's purely psychological, because in the end I'm still dropping $9, but I'm getting more stuff for it! Plus something practical!!!
I've also been reading a lot of websites that have those recipes for scrubs, you know, the ones that are supposed to be awesome and holistic and home made and awesome! And only one told me NOT TO USE THEM ON MY FACE. So let's just get that out of the way now. I was really hoping these were for my face. I have a lot more issues with that area than my hands, we won't talk about my feet. That's a whole new post. Ahem. They get you all wound up talking about these scrubs, you'll have everything in your kitchen cabinets! Not. I do not have coconut oil in my cabinet. I don't even have essential oils in my house. Wtf? Am I even a woman? *Looking down shirt* Yep, I'm still a chick. So why don't I want to run straight down to the healthy store (I don't even know where the fuck that is) and get my basic set of essential oils for, let's see, do we want the 6 pack or do I want the super-duper-mondo-ultra set so I can make my ass smell like everything smelly on the face of the planet? It's only $50!!! Good grief, what is in this thing? I have one pulled up from Amazon...It says "The Beginners of the Best" and includes "Bergamot, Clary Sage, Cinnamon Leaf, Eucalyptus, Grapefruit, Lavender, Lemon, Lime, Patchouli, Peppermint, Rosemary, Spearmint, Sweet Orange and Tea Tree." Hmmm, not a lot in there that I want to be smelling like quite frankly. If I go up to the bigger set, that's $99.99. Damn. Just the stuff that was in the first one and then some questionable "blends..." What the fuck is a Bergamot? If I was watching Jeopardy or something I would say it was a small lemur...And then there's the mother of them all, the big set, for $199.98. Keep in mind that's allegedly half off. Good grief.
So, in order to be a good little American woman and keep ourselves as fresh and beautiful as possible we're supposed to drop all this dough on oils? I know a lot of people that use them all around the house, in laundry soap they make themselves, all over, but for crap's sake. To make a "scrub" that you can only use on your hands and feet you're dropping a significant time here. You've got the sugar, which in one blog it specified a certain kind of raw sugar only procured at the health food store, and enough of the following to dampen the mixture: cold-pressed oil (olive, wheat germ, peanut, corn, or sunflower.) OH!!! So now we're on to COLD -PRESSED oils. I wasn't informed that cold pressed was a part of the situation!!! I thought I could just run up to my health store, after donning some type of outfit that would ensure my not being kicked out, maybe I could throw on a dress and one of my crocheted sweaters, and pick up whatever oil had struck my fancy. Now they're throwing a whole 'nutha wrench in the works! Good Gravy Batman! Let's try another recipe, shall we?
Ok, this one is going to give us the softest skin we've ever had! Are you ready, I know I am!!!