Monday, December 19, 2011

My First Scathing Beauty Industry Flail

Oops.  I wrote a post several weeks ago, and, um, didn't hit publish.  I am a technological genius. Yeah.  Awesome.
    Anywho, I've been cruising the internet, getting more and more cranky with everything.  I mainly cruise pinterest all day, I obsess over nail polish.  I pour over blogs and youtube videos showing me how to do fancy ass manicures.  They all have perfect cuticles, the polish isn't all over the fucking place, there aren't little scrapes and scratches in the polish because they couldn't wait five minutes longer to get into the bag of M & Ms...They all are doing 3 manicures a day with $9 polish!  Who the hell buys that crap???  I mean, I understand wanting to have a great product and I go and drool at it but I don't BUY it.  I can feed my whole family for $9.  I can buy enough toilet paper to last my entire family two weeks for $9.  I can buy 9 bottles of Wet n' Wild for $9!!! Holy shit, have you figured out that I'm a tightwad?  Really I'm not, I just can't justify spending that much.  I buy China Glaze and sometimes Finger Paints, but only when I have a coupons and I really get excited when they have those buy two polishes and you get a wallet or a change purse or something.  It's purely psychological, because in the end I'm still dropping $9, but I'm getting more stuff for it!  Plus something practical!!!
    I've also been reading a lot of websites that have those recipes for scrubs, you know, the ones that are supposed to be awesome and holistic and home made and awesome!  And only one told me NOT TO USE THEM ON MY FACE.  So let's just get that out of the way now.  I was really hoping these were for my face. I have a lot more issues with that area than my hands, we won't talk about my feet.  That's a whole new post. Ahem.  They get you all wound up talking about these scrubs, you'll have everything in your kitchen cabinets!  Not.  I do not have coconut oil in my cabinet.  I don't even have essential oils in my house.  Wtf?  Am I even a woman?  *Looking down shirt*  Yep, I'm still a chick.  So why don't I want to run straight down to the healthy store (I don't even know where the fuck that is) and get my basic set of essential oils for, let's see, do we want the 6 pack or do I want the super-duper-mondo-ultra set so I can make my ass smell like everything smelly on the face of the planet?  It's only $50!!!  Good grief, what is in this thing?  I have one pulled up from Amazon...It says "The Beginners of the Best" and includes "Bergamot, Clary Sage, Cinnamon Leaf, Eucalyptus, Grapefruit, Lavender, Lemon, Lime, Patchouli, Peppermint, Rosemary, Spearmint, Sweet Orange and Tea Tree." Hmmm, not a lot in there that I want to be smelling like quite frankly.  If I go up to the bigger set, that's $99.99.  Damn.  Just the stuff that was in the first one and then some questionable "blends..."  What the fuck is a Bergamot?  If I was watching Jeopardy or something I would say it was a small lemur...And then there's the mother of them all, the big set, for $199.98.  Keep in mind that's allegedly half off.  Good grief.  
    So, in order to be a good little American woman and keep ourselves as fresh and beautiful as possible we're supposed to drop all this dough on oils?  I know a lot of people that use them all around the house, in laundry soap they make themselves, all over, but for crap's sake.  To make a "scrub" that you can only use on your hands and feet you're dropping a significant time here.  You've got the sugar, which in one blog it specified a certain kind of raw sugar only procured at the health food store, and enough of the following to dampen the mixture:  cold-pressed oil (olive, wheat germ, peanut, corn, or sunflower.)  OH!!!  So now we're on to COLD -PRESSED oils.  I wasn't informed that cold pressed was a part of the situation!!!  I thought I could just run up to my health store, after donning some type of outfit that would ensure my not being kicked out, maybe I could throw on a dress and one of my crocheted sweaters, and pick up whatever oil had struck my fancy.  Now they're throwing a whole 'nutha wrench in the works!  Good Gravy Batman!  Let's try another recipe, shall we?  
    Ok, this one is going to give us the softest skin we've ever had!  Are you ready, I know I am!!!  

  • "50 percent white cane sugar (note that organic sucanat, while the best choice for food, doesn’t work as well for this recipe)
  • 50 percent vegetable glycerin to moisten the sugar (I used avocado oil since I was out of vegetable glycerin and it proved to be a successful substitute)
  • Small amounts of aloe vera gel, vitamin C crystals, or anything healing that dissolves in water
  • 1 or 2 drops of essential oil if desired (Larry recommends combining orange and lavender)
  • Enough ground hibiscus powder for pink color."
  •     Oh brother.  I mean really.  This is just too fucking much.  What the hell is sucanat?  I admit I was pulling your leg up there earlier about the Bergamot but damn!  Ok, vegetable glycerin to moisten sugar.  EW.  That just sounds gross, for starters.  Secondly, I'm sure the health food industry is making out huge by marketing vegetable glycerin as some major too doo, but it's some cheap-o thing in the baking aisle.  Now, once we've done that we're to add something healing.  Like vitamin C crystals or something.  Like, whatever.  I'm about THIS close from marketing my chihuahua's crap as healing.  It's like life changing man.  If you wait long enough for it to become crystallized and smoke it you'll get the most pure high.  And if you add if to your facials it will give you the most clear complexion, you won't believe it!  Srsly.  And then, we add our offending essential oil.  Oh, let's combine some, just for the hell of it!  Go for it!  You've earned it!!  For our final ingredient, I give you hibiscus powder.  W.T.F.  I give up.  I'm through.  Do these people farm the hibiscus petals, dehydrate them and then grind them into powder just to sell them to rich people so they can add them to their fucking HAND SCRUBS???  You know damned well if I ever get my hands on some hibiscus powder I'm sure as shit never EVER putting it in a scrub for my hands or feet.  I might even snort that shit!  Whew.  I'm through.  I don't have any breath left, the essential oil industry has robbed me of an afternoon but I hope you can relate.  Or can tell me where I can further my quest to snort some hibiscus powder.

  • CRAP.  See what happens when you challenge the essential oil industry in America?  They fuck with your blog so you can't get it the right size after you've pasted something.  Don't tell me it's just because I pasted something either, I know who did this.  *shifty eyes*

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