Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I guess this is the intro post.  Hi!  I'm a 42 year old mother of two, married for almost 22 years.  I am an Air Force veteran but got out because I hated it, then promptly found out that I was pregnant with my first child, so, it's all good.  My kids are adults now, but I don't speak of them that way, that's a bone of contention between the hubby and I.  In his world (and apparently many others, who knew?) once they turn 18 and finish high school they're out of the house.  I told them, the kids that is, that as long as they're pursuing higher education they can stay.  Plus, I get to keep them longer :)

   History:I was born in San Francisco in 1969.  Yeah, I'm lucky I wasn't named SooperFlowerUnitofLove or some shit.  Oh, and I swear a lot.  I know, I know, it's allegedly a sigh of low intelligence or something.  Bite me.  Anywho,  I grew up in Fontana, CA until I was 9 then we moved to WA, I lived there until I was 17 when I joined the military.  I met the hubby when I was 19 and living in England, which was totally awesome by the way.  I love the way the military works.  Take a bunch of teenagers that have never been away from home, send them overseas where drinking is legal at 18 and expect them to act right.  Hilarious.  Life was pretty damned good.  Hubby and I married in January of 1990, my daughter was born in September of the same year.  We moved back stateside and my son was born in 1992, I really wanted to have them close together.  No way in hell was I going to have one kid going to school and then have another at home in diapers.  Hell no.  I wanted them both in diapers and get it all over with.  Hahahahahaha!!!  You can see how that faulty logic got me in trouble.  That was my first initiation into the darkness that is depression.  That would be the cloud that has followed me and has attempted to swallow me whole several times.

   Mental health is a subject I'll talk about a lot.  We're all nuts here.  I've got tons of diagnoses but basically I'm depressed all the time with bouts of worsening depression including thoughts of suicide and all that fund stuff, dysthymia it's called in the biz.  I started getting treatment in about 1998 primarily for PTSD from sexual abuse from my father and earlier from a babysitter.  Slap the depression on top of that, the anxiety of being a parent that has had bad things happen to her when she was a child so she's being "hyper-vigilant."  I've also got Bipolar Disorder, which is just lovely.  So far it really hasn't been that much of a big deal, just the money spending thing, but never putting us in the hole, and the verbal diarrhea.  That's fun!  But since  my shrink put me on Adderall to help me with the (soul sucking) fatigue I've become truly manic.  Hubby calls it tweaking.  

   It started the day I had my disability hearing.  I had been thinking about getting all of my hair cut off for a long time.  It wasn't long, just a little past shoulder length, but I wanted it SHORT!  So I got the cut and looked in the mirror and all I could see was gray hair...motherfucker.  I talked to the girl that cuts my hair and she told me how to do a home bleach, so I tried it.  Three times.  It just wasn't right.  I looked at the bottle that she told me to shake everything up in and I'll be damned if there wasn't a huge blob of powder down there that hadn't been incorporated.  So I went down to Sally's and the dude down there hooked my ass up.  He talked me out of buying one of their bowls, lol, said to just use an old butter bowl or something, and mix the bleach powder and HIGH percentage developer (I use 30) with one of those big brushes until completely dissolved.  I throw in a big glob of shampoo too, I find that it makes it so much easier to get the bleach all through my hair.  I've done that with one of my daughter's hair colors too, it was so much easier to get it all worked in.  So, all those years thinking I was too fat, I had a funny head, I just was too chicken to get my hair cut short when I really wanted to, I hate my hair touching me, it makes me want to vomit sometimes.  Especially at night, you know, when you wake up and roll over you have to pick up your hair and throw it over and it's all sweaty...Not anymore bitches!!  

   Ok, you can probably tell I'm extremely manic today, but I have a lot to say, I've been kind of stifled at home for the last several years.  Hubby used to get deployed all the time, which meant extra money and we (meaning the kids and I) got to do whatever the hell we wanted to.  After a one year stint by himself in Korea he's been home ever since.  And he's fucking driving me insane.  I swear if I had any money or any place to go I would have left him at least 6 times in the last year.  He doesn't particularly like when I talk to his dad, who came to town for a very brief visit last month.  My FIL and I share a lot of views politically so it's fun for the both of us to actually have someone to talk to.  Hubby, well, he just doesn't appreciate the fervor with  which I express my views.  He also disapproves of how many times I use the "f" word.  I've known these people for over 20 years, they fucking know me.  whatevs.  Hubby just gets sooooooo anxious and wound up when his relatives show up.  But this was his father for crap's sake!  If he can't be comfortable around his own dad that's his problem.  I do edit myself a smidgen for company, but then again I have the verbal diarrhea and can't stop myself if I'm on a tear or the swearing starts.  What was really funny was at dinner, Denny's, my fave, hubby was wearing his douche pants and his dad called him out on it.  He said he wondered how long he would survive if HE were to act that way to me.  There wasn't anything I could do at the time.  Hubby called his dad a few days later to apologizes for his behavior and his dad ran him through the ringers, I wish I could have heard it.  What he does is act like nothing is wrong, so hubby has to TELL him what he did and then apologize.  It's awesome, I love him.

   More mental health stuff.  Ok.  Both of my kids inherited the Bipolar gene, my daughter's is pretty mild but she's been exhibiting some extreme OCD behavior over the last month or so.  My son got the whole shebang.  He has Schizoaffective Disorder, a combo of schizophrenia (paranoid type) and bipolar disorder.  Loads of fun.  He's got two distinct voices in his head, one tells him to kill and hurt others, the other tells him to do the same to himself.  He's also exhibited signs and symptoms (via school testing and two therapists) of ADHD, OCD (Unholy hell this is the worst one.  I've never seen anyone that can obsess like this kid...He literally cannot replace the obsession with another thought,) Aspergers, crap, I forget everything else.  He's been hospitalized twice for it.  He hasn't had an "episode" since he graduated high school this last May so that's awesome.  Keeping his environment as drama free as possible is the key to keeping the voices quiet.  When they get loud he can't think around them, he can't trust me his eyes get really small.  It's very creepy and scary.  The worst part is that he says the voices tell him he can't trust me so he won't take his meds.  If I can get meds in him quick enough I can minimize the psychosis.  Unfortunately he won't be able to work and he won't go to any of the programs for people with special needs, but after reading up on them they're really not what he needs.  We applied for SSI and he got it!  First try, three months from start to finish!  Freaking miraculous.  I'm still waiting on the judge in Virginia to check out my appeal from my hearing.  I think I've been working on my case for a year and a half.  

   I guess that's about it for now.  Oh!  I want to talk a little about the other things I love:  fingernails, music, and CROCHET!  I'm really working on the crochet thing.  If the disability thing doesn't work out I think I'm going to start a work from home crochet business and put together a book of patterns  I have a notebook full of ideas of the patterns for the book, it's all just a little too scary.  I haven't typed it up either.  Jeez, for being an Amazon I'm sure being a chicken.  Fingernails:  I kind of obsess over them.  I'm too cheap to get acrylics so I do the glue on ones.  It's so much fun :)  There are tutorials all over YouTube to show you how to do a bunch of stuff.  I can't get the water marbling down.  I love the sponge gradient nails though.  I'm sure I'll be a giant dork and post lots of pictures of my stupid fingernails, but I can't post a lot of crochet pics if it's stuff that's going to be in the book, I don't want anyone to steal it.  Music:  I spent the last two days putting all of my CDs onto itunes so I could put them on a sooper tiny sd card (or whatever the hell they're called) and put it in my phone so can just hang  out and jam while I'm hookin' and junk.  I could only afford the 4GB card and that was freaking $25...So I put all my stuff on one playlist and I'm getting the second set ready and I happen to look at the bottom of the screen and it says we have 3.76 GB.  Fuck.  And I hadn't even touched what was in the car visor or my classical folder... So I had to delete everything that wasn't absolutely crucial.  At least it's still in the main library playlist.  It was an amazing technological feat, for me, definitely.

   Ok, I think that's enough of an introduction.  I'll be off to find out about this 30 day business.  Thank you for running this site and letting people act a fool.

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